REFLECTION: Can you forgive yourself?

There are so many times when I feel frustrated with this one person. A lot of times I can't stand that this person does things that's embarrassing or incomprehensible. I wanna avoid this person as much as possible and have nothing to do with this person, but I can't, because I'm that person.

For some, it may not seem like a big deal, but deep inside, I know some of the things that I do is wrong. I just wanna beat myself up whenever I make a mistake, whether it's with words or actions. So I would do what a good Christian would do -- tell God that I'm sorry. And I mean it, too. I don't wanna be this way, so I seek God for help to become a better person than I am now. If I feel extra encouraged, I would apologize to the person that I offended directly.

I've been living with this pattern in life and felt pretty good about it until a few years ago. I forget where I got this from in the first place, but I realized that there was a significant flaw with this pattern: I never forgave myself.

No wonder I always seemed to go back to my old sins. No matter how much I repented, or so I thought, I would always give in to the temptation that I can say or do whatever I want, regardless of how others perceive me. Afterwards, when I realize what I have done probably hurt others, I see myself stand in the corner of shame and curse at myself. Even though I asked God (and sometimes others) for forgiveness, I haven't completely forgiven myself.

Why be so hard on myself? After all, I'm only human, where life consists of sin and imperfection. But I still do, because I think I could've done a lot better. It's not even a matter of offending people; it's also little things, like procrastinating when I have readings to do for school or not proofreading my essays before turning them in. Instead of accepting my imperfect, sinful self, I keep regretting and beating myself up for not being perfect.

And then came the scary thought that I was placing myself higher than God. God was telling me that He'd already forgiven me because of His grace and mercy, but I kept shoving that idea off my head and saying that wasn't enough. But who am I to think that my opinions are more important than God's? When the Creator of the Universe says "I forgive you," I can't seem to accept it, because it doesn't make sense to me. I know I'm a terrible person, and so does He! But all He wants me to do is to accept His grace, accept myself for who I am, forgive myself, and move on. But it's my pride that isn't satisfied. That's when I realized that I became my own god, picking things that aren't perfect and finding someone to blame for them.

I'm thankful that God showed me what was wrong deep inside so that my attitude would change. I've been sitting on this throne of judgment and affecting those around me, including myself. I've hurt myself sometimes whether I realized it or not. It's time to let go of that childish play of "what can I do to torture myself so I can be satisfied with myself". It's time to get off of that throne and face these questions straight on: Am I willing to forgive myself for the things that I blame myself for? God says I should, but am I going to listen to Him this time?

REFLECTION: Mental age

According to this website where it supposedly tells you your mental age based on 6 questions, I am mentally 34 years old, almost 10 years older than my actual age.
Hey, I'll take it; it means I'm that mature, right?