It's been months since I've updated this. It's been weeks since I came to live life without pursuing a goal but just as it is -- school, work, church, fantasy. And it's been days since I realized I should probably do something with my life. Have I done anything about it? Not really. I felt guilty, but I didn't want to think of this as a chore, a to-do list, so I kinda brushed it off and decided to reach out to Him when I felt really in need of Him. At some point, at His perfect timing, God will bring me back to Him, so I guess I'll just wait.
Even though I slept around midnight after watching only a few episodes of Scrubs, I woke up early in the morning a little after 6am. I couldn't believe it. Why now? I had one more hour till my alarm would ring so that I could get ready for work. I had my eyes closed and tried to fall asleep again by fantasizing about meeting a celebrity. It seemed so cool and everything, and it was perhaps because of this excitement that I couldn't fall asleep even more. By the time my alarm rang, I was already fully awake with my eyes open. I wondered why I woke up so early in the first place.
While eating breakfast, I told my mom that I woke up at 6am. Then the conversation went something like this:
Mom: Oh really? Did you pray?
Me: (confused) Uh, no. Why?
Mom: He's telling you that you should pray. He wants to talk to you.
Ahh, I didn't think about that. He wanted me to talk to Him? And I blew it off by thinking about other stuff that satisfied and pleased me? Way to go, girl. Way to go.
On my way to work, I thought about my conversation with my mom and decided to pray in the car. I got to work 10 minutes early, so I stayed in the car with my Christian playlist on. I wanted to listen and sing the lyrics of the songs that played so that this would be my worship to Him before I started praying. The next song was David Crowder Band's All Creatures #2, and the slow but amazing guitar intro set the mood. I was ready to pray.
I thought about how to start praying. I didn't want the same old "God, You're great. I'm messed up. Thanks for forgiving and loving me. Help me become a better person. K thanks, bye" thing. I wanted this to be a genuine moment with Him, but I needed help to express my feelings and truly understand how much God meant to me.
Then came the memories.
Back in 1997 or 1998 (I think), my family was settling in England. One day, we went out for a drive, and I, being an immature 7 year old, thought it would be cool to lie down on the flat spot behind the backseats (where we would usually leave a box of tissues in a 5-person car) while my dad was still driving. My mom was telling me to come down, but I refused. She was dragging me down, but I was whining and crying that I wasn't allowed to do whatever I wanted. Then I heard a siren behind me, and as I turned my head towards the rear window, I saw a cop on a motorcycle signaling my dad to pull over.
Uh oh, this can't be good.
I turned dead silent and immediately sat on the back middle seat. My mom hurriedly put my seatbelt on while my dad was talking to the cop outside. The cop then turned to look at us and checked if we were all buckled up. It only took a second for him to check on us, but it felt a lot longer to me. I was scared that my dad would be arrested, and we would have to survive without him (c'mon, I was 7 years old). I regretted every moment of what just happened before. This wasn't the first time it happened, but being caught for the first time by a foreign police in a foreign land made things so much scarier. That was when I realized how much of a burden I was to my parents. I got them into trouble, even though it was my fault. They had to say sorry, even though they didn't do anything wrong. The cop eventually let us go with a warning, but I still couldn't help but think about the fact that I was the messed up one that my parents had to deal with. I don't recall what happened next, but I'm sure my parents didn't express any bitterness about it; it would've been likely that my mom told me to be careful next time. I hope I did.
After that random moment of reminiscence, I began to see why I thought about this particular one in the first place. This was like my relationship with God. He was trying to teach me what was right, but I was too stubborn to listen to Him. I was upsetting Him. I was being a burden, a rebel like my 7 year old self back in England. I was still a 7 year old at heart. But when I came to my senses that I was doing things wrong, He forgave me and took my sins away, allowing me to start again. I was messed up, prioritizing what was important to me and thinking that His plans would revolve around mine, but He still loved me. How awesome is that?? Even though I can't forgive myself for my actions, He's telling me that He can, and I should graciously accept His forgiveness.
My parents showed me from early on what God's love was, and I feel so thankful that I could remember a traumatizing moment like that in a positive way. Thanks to Him, I see how immature I've been during these past weeks and how important it is for me to take action and spend more time with Him whenever I have the chance to be alone. He deserves it; no more waiting now.
