REFLECTION: Can you forgive yourself?

There are so many times when I feel frustrated with this one person. A lot of times I can't stand that this person does things that's embarrassing or incomprehensible. I wanna avoid this person as much as possible and have nothing to do with this person, but I can't, because I'm that person.

For some, it may not seem like a big deal, but deep inside, I know some of the things that I do is wrong. I just wanna beat myself up whenever I make a mistake, whether it's with words or actions. So I would do what a good Christian would do -- tell God that I'm sorry. And I mean it, too. I don't wanna be this way, so I seek God for help to become a better person than I am now. If I feel extra encouraged, I would apologize to the person that I offended directly.

I've been living with this pattern in life and felt pretty good about it until a few years ago. I forget where I got this from in the first place, but I realized that there was a significant flaw with this pattern: I never forgave myself.

No wonder I always seemed to go back to my old sins. No matter how much I repented, or so I thought, I would always give in to the temptation that I can say or do whatever I want, regardless of how others perceive me. Afterwards, when I realize what I have done probably hurt others, I see myself stand in the corner of shame and curse at myself. Even though I asked God (and sometimes others) for forgiveness, I haven't completely forgiven myself.

Why be so hard on myself? After all, I'm only human, where life consists of sin and imperfection. But I still do, because I think I could've done a lot better. It's not even a matter of offending people; it's also little things, like procrastinating when I have readings to do for school or not proofreading my essays before turning them in. Instead of accepting my imperfect, sinful self, I keep regretting and beating myself up for not being perfect.

And then came the scary thought that I was placing myself higher than God. God was telling me that He'd already forgiven me because of His grace and mercy, but I kept shoving that idea off my head and saying that wasn't enough. But who am I to think that my opinions are more important than God's? When the Creator of the Universe says "I forgive you," I can't seem to accept it, because it doesn't make sense to me. I know I'm a terrible person, and so does He! But all He wants me to do is to accept His grace, accept myself for who I am, forgive myself, and move on. But it's my pride that isn't satisfied. That's when I realized that I became my own god, picking things that aren't perfect and finding someone to blame for them.

I'm thankful that God showed me what was wrong deep inside so that my attitude would change. I've been sitting on this throne of judgment and affecting those around me, including myself. I've hurt myself sometimes whether I realized it or not. It's time to let go of that childish play of "what can I do to torture myself so I can be satisfied with myself". It's time to get off of that throne and face these questions straight on: Am I willing to forgive myself for the things that I blame myself for? God says I should, but am I going to listen to Him this time?

REFLECTION: Mental age

According to this website where it supposedly tells you your mental age based on 6 questions, I am mentally 34 years old, almost 10 years older than my actual age.
Hey, I'll take it; it means I'm that mature, right?

REFLECTION: Wait, It's Almost Over Already?

Wow, I didn't realize it's New Years Eve so soon. I think I lost all that excitement for the new year.  It just feels like any other day.  Once New Years Day comes and goes, it's back to whatever we were doing before.  It doesn't feel that special anymore.  A lot has happened this year, though, and I'm thankful for new changes, even though sometimes I wish they didn't happen.

I've been looking up all the places that I used to live and go for school during my lifetime on Google Maps, which got my whole family excited.  It was a great time of bonding, recalling the random buildings and the memories with them, reflecting back to our sweet old days..I even decided to make a map with all of my "homes" and schools just for old times' sake.  I think I'm becoming really nostalgic, especially as we've been watching our old recorded videos.  Oh, how I miss those times.  I wish I could go back to those places with my family and see how different it is now compared to back then.

Song of the Month: Raise Up the Crown (All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name) - Chris Tomlin

All hail the power of Jesus' name!
Let angels prostrate fall
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown Him Lord of all

Ye chosen seed of Israel's race
Ye ransomed from the fall
Hail Him who saves you by His grace
And crown Him Lord of all
Hail Him who saves you by His grace
And crown Him Lord of all

Raise up the crown, rise on the praises
Rest on the brow of the King of the ages

O that with yonder sacred throng
We at His feet may fall!
We'll join the everlasting song
And crown Him Lord of all
We'll join the everlasting song
And crown Him Lord of all



Happy early birthday, Jesus!

REFLECTION: that dreadful number

To be honest, I wanted to stay as a 22-year-old.  I didn't want time to pass.  Somehow calling myself a 22-year-old made me feel a bit more secure than if I were a year older.  23 would signify that I would have some sort of independent life...or is it?  I felt pressured that I should be doing something useful in my life by now, as I had expected years ago, even though nobody gave me that pressure.  I was just expecting a lot of things from myself, and honestly I still do.  I hate myself for doing this to me, but without that pressure, I know I wouldn't be doing anything useful.  If that can motivate me to do something in life, then why shouldn't I accept it?  Now I need to get used to saying "I'm 23" and face the harsh reality that doesn't really care.

I know it's gonna be just another day that will eventually pass and come back again year after year.  It's not that special anymore.  No more parties that parents arrange for the kids.  Now that I'm out of college and commuting to grad school, making plans to hang out with friends is difficult.  Now I'm the one that has to schedule a hangout or dinner in case someone forgot or didn't plan a surprise for me.  I never really got my hopes up for my birthday, because ever since my parents stopped planning birthday parties for me, I expected too much and got disappointed every time.  It's sad, I know, but I learned to accept this reality.  Honestly, who cares that nobody, especially family members and close friends, remembers my birthday and would only know by looking up on Facebook?  Why should I make such a big deal out of this?  I'm just grateful to be alive for however many years I've lived so far, and I'm truly thankful for my parents who gave birth to me and raised me up to be where I am today.  I think about this, and I have to say that this makes my heart warmer than multiple surprise parties that I've always wanted.  I think about all the pains that my parents had to go through because of me, and I appreciate their time and effort on me to help me grow stronger.  It feels great to see how faithful God has been throughout my life, despite the hardships and challenges (or rather, because of them).  It's funny how materialistic things get you hyped up for a second, but the things that we take for granted, such as an act of kindness and our parents raising us, are sometimes the ones that will hype us up even more, whether we realize it or not.

It's almost 2 hours till I turn 23.  Now is the time to embrace that dreadful number and actually look forward to growing older, even if after all that pressure I stay the way I am now or even worse.  Now is also the time to appreciate the little things that my family and friends do to me instead of relying on things that are visible and eventually fading.

Song of the Month: God Is Not a White Man - Gungor

God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud

God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion

but God is Love, 
God is Love,
and He loves everyone
God is Love,
God is Love, 
and He loves everyone

God is not a man
God is not an old man
and God does not belong to Republicans

God is not a flag
not even American
and God does not depend on a government

but God is good, 
God is good,
and He loves everyone
God is good,
God is good, 
and He loves everyone

oh, oh, duh, duh, duh, duh

athiests and charlatans,
and communists and lesbians,
and even ol' Pat Robertson
Oh God, He loves us all
Catholic or Protestant,
terrorist or president,
everybody, everybody loved, loved, loved, oh

la la la la la 
la la la la la 
la la la

God is Love
God is Love
and He loves everyone

la la la la la
la la la la la
la la la

stop the hating, please just stop the hating now

'cause God is Love

oh, oh, oh

la la la la la
la la la la la
la la la

REFLECTION: no longer a child

As I was doing my usual thing at work, my boss made a remark about one of the students that no matter how many times he told the kid to focus, the kid obviously didn't listen and thus got poor results on his mock test.  That made me think of how my parents would yell at me for spending way too much time on the internet till I went to college.  Then I came to a sudden realization that I am no longer a child.  Even though I may behave like one sometimes (who knows, maybe all the time), what made me realize that I'm now an adult was the fact that my parents don't yell at me anymore.  After college, everything became different; I was now free from my parents' (mostly my mom's) wrath.

For some reason, though, I'm feeling antsy about this.  I feel uncomfortable that my life can be as free as I want it to be, because all these years I've been watched, observed, and criticized, but now I have only myself to rely on for feedback, which is the worst kind.  As much as I hated feedback on how to live my life, I miss it.  Who knows where I would end up if I were to lead my own life?  I'm not totally confident that things will work out now that I'm in control, because I know I need someone to control me.

And then comes hope.  Yes, I'm insecure, and as odd as this may sound, I'm thankful that I am, because there is someone that I can trust and rely on to control my life.  Now that I'm out of my parents' hands, I am transferred over to the One that is more fatherly and motherly.  I may be an adult in this world, but the fact that I'm His child will never change.  He'll always have my back when I'm falling, just as a father would carry a toddler into his arms when the toddler falls backwards from trying to walk forward.