To be honest, I wanted to stay as a 22-year-old. I didn't want time to pass. Somehow calling myself a 22-year-old made me feel a bit more secure than if I were a year older. 23 would signify that I would have some sort of independent life...or is it? I felt pressured that I should be doing something useful in my life by now, as I had expected years ago, even though nobody gave me that pressure. I was just expecting a lot of things from myself, and honestly I still do. I hate myself for doing this to me, but without that pressure, I know I wouldn't be doing anything useful. If that can motivate me to do something in life, then why shouldn't I accept it? Now I need to get used to saying "I'm 23" and face the harsh reality that doesn't really care.
I know it's gonna be just another day that will eventually pass and come back again year after year. It's not that special anymore. No more parties that parents arrange for the kids. Now that I'm out of college and commuting to grad school, making plans to hang out with friends is difficult. Now I'm the one that has to schedule a hangout or dinner in case someone forgot or didn't plan a surprise for me. I never really got my hopes up for my birthday, because ever since my parents stopped planning birthday parties for me, I expected too much and got disappointed every time. It's sad, I know, but I learned to accept this reality. Honestly, who cares that nobody, especially family members and close friends, remembers my birthday and would only know by looking up on Facebook? Why should I make such a big deal out of this? I'm just grateful to be alive for however many years I've lived so far, and I'm truly thankful for my parents who gave birth to me and raised me up to be where I am today. I think about this, and I have to say that this makes my heart warmer than multiple surprise parties that I've always wanted. I think about all the pains that my parents had to go through because of me, and I appreciate their time and effort on me to help me grow stronger. It feels great to see how faithful God has been throughout my life, despite the hardships and challenges (or rather, because of them). It's funny how materialistic things get you hyped up for a second, but the things that we take for granted, such as an act of kindness and our parents raising us, are sometimes the ones that will hype us up even more, whether we realize it or not.
It's almost 2 hours till I turn 23. Now is the time to embrace that dreadful number and actually look forward to growing older, even if after all that pressure I stay the way I am now or even worse. Now is also the time to appreciate the little things that my family and friends do to me instead of relying on things that are visible and eventually fading.
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